“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
*walks by stable*

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Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved


Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.


Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.


[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes


Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!


The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.


[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you


MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now


For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons


professor X: what’s your power?


professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.