@carlyken

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

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@SaveItForFest

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

@krisv_723

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

@TarekJan

Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.

@thatdutchperson

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

@sixfootcandy

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

@RandomAntics

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

@TheHyyyype

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

@pixelatedboat

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

@downwinddog

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.