I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
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*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
🐕🍷
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive