Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
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if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Milk Cube
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday