I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
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told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
The Struggle
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”