I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

You Might Also Like


We can find water on Mars but we can’t something completely unrelated?


Coworker: Happy Thanksgiving Eve! Gobble til you wobble!

Me: *mutters* How bout you slobble on my knobble

CW: What was that?

Me: You too


If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?


GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news


therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no


I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.


Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.


[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear


Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently


An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.