@imdaintyaf

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

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@kumailn

We can find water on Mars but we can’t something completely unrelated?

@Mr_Kapowski

Coworker: Happy Thanksgiving Eve! Gobble til you wobble!

Me: *mutters* How bout you slobble on my knobble

CW: What was that?

Me: You too

@MariyaAlexander

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

@john_vavra

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

@katelynn_rae01

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

@causticbob

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

@Jenny4ashley

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

@TweetPotato314

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

@causticbob

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

@ChrisHallbeck

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.