We can find water on Mars but we can’t something completely unrelated?
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
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Coworker: Happy Thanksgiving Eve! Gobble til you wobble!
Me: *mutters* How bout you slobble on my knobble
CW: What was that?
Me: You too
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.