I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
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I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Breaking news:
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.