@bourgeoisalien

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

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@secondofhername

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

@TheGladStork

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

@stevevsninjas

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

@InternetHippo

With people getting in trouble for yearbook content my high school strategy of not having friends or going to any parties is finally paying off

@MildlyClassic

Unfollowing because you didnt get a follow back is like quitting drinking tea because the tea doesn’t drink you back. It doesn’t make sense.

@FredTaming

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

@vladyhh

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

@PJTLynch

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!