You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
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Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
With people getting in trouble for yearbook content my high school strategy of not having friends or going to any parties is finally paying off
Unfollowing because you didnt get a follow back is like quitting drinking tea because the tea doesn’t drink you back. It doesn’t make sense.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!