I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
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when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.