@bourgeoisalien
@secondofhername
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
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@secondofhername
@TheGladStork
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
@OhNoSheTwitnt
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
@AngryRaccoon2
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
@stevevsninjas
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
@InternetHippo
With people getting in trouble for yearbook content my high school strategy of not having friends or going to any parties is finally paying off
@MildlyClassic
Unfollowing because you didnt get a follow back is like quitting drinking tea because the tea doesn’t drink you back. It doesn’t make sense.
@FredTaming
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
@vladyhh
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
@PJTLynch
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!