this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
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me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?