I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
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I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me