Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

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Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.


I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.


Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.


A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks


Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.


I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed


Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.


Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.


I can’t think of many people who deserve to go to hell, but people who teach its existence to vulnerable children are prime candidates.