Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
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I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Easy enough.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?