I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
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The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib