Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.