@_Justin_Stepien

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

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@fro_vo

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

@iwearaonesie

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

@disco_bird

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

@themorris23

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

@SteveSuckington

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

@Michael1979

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

@whatmaddness

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

@mjkspeaks

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.