[1st day in hell]
Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity.
Me: That’s it?
D: *hands me orange Crocs*
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
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Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
summer is real cute until every frickin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell
My neighbour left her outdoor stereo blaring & went out for the night. I now have a set of speakers for sale, minus the wires. Call me.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
you, dumb as shit: if I drink bleach it’ll kill me
me, a brain like none other: if i drink bleach, my pee will clean the toilet for me
Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS!
Her: USE YOUR HANDS!
Me: *raises the roof*
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.