@AtticusFinch79

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

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@MartaEffing

[1st day in hell]
Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity.
Me: That’s it?
D: *hands me orange Crocs*

@sixfootcandy

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

@dubstep4dads

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

@QwertyJones3

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

@Kristen_R5

summer is real cute until every frickin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell

@GoldenSpirals

My neighbour left her outdoor stereo blaring & went out for the night. I now have a set of speakers for sale, minus the wires. Call me.

@iAmDelFreaky

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

@captainkalvis

you, dumb as shit: if I drink bleach it’ll kill me

me, a brain like none other: if i drink bleach, my pee will clean the toilet for me

@RobElliottComic

[having sex]

Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS!

Her: USE YOUR HANDS!

Me: *raises the roof*

@Swishergirl24

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.