I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
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[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Hamburger Hinderer.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.