I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?