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@minkpinkustink: i'm so old i'm almost back in style
@thenatewolf: YOU: I feel so much better since I started eating more fruits and vegetables.
ME: [lighting a french fry like a cigarette] You're weak.
@meganamram: When an ex mansplains something to you it's called "explaining"
@Parkerlawyer: 5,"So we don't get to open any presents today?"
5, "So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?"
@ronleibach: [watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
@BoogTweets: Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.