i’m so old i’m almost back in style
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Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
According to math, I’m broke
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.