[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
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I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history