A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
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*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON