I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
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Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Hadn鈥檛 tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren鈥檛 distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I’m awake but I object,
I didn鈥檛 buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you鈥檙e tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it鈥檚 the best night you鈥檝e had in 8 years.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
if you鈥檙e not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Whoa 馃槀
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I鈥檝e made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars