I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
“A little help here, Danny?”
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.