@Thaat_guy

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

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@Mickey_McCauley

For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you

@impaulmccoy

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

@slimmy_shady

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

@ilovepie84

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

@MandiAtRandom

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

@climaxximus

I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people

@SatansTongue

Horton hears a who
Horton hears a what
Horton hears a chicka chicka slim shady

Horton is listening to Eminem