“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

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If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.


ME: i wish girls would flock to me


ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A


I wanna work for a company where if you pass the drug test you get fired.


Beer makes me feel invincible.

Vodka makes me feel innvienceablrerrer.

*falls down*


A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.nWhat in the hell do they put in butterflys?


<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!


Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.


Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.


Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.


Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.