@Thaat_guy

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

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@CheeseDaydreams

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

@ClichedOut

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

@TuffyNyC

I wanna work for a company where if you pass the drug test you get fired.

@ericsshadow

Beer makes me feel invincible.

Vodka makes me feel innvienceablrerrer.

*falls down*

@SteelCityDawn

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.nWhat in the hell do they put in butterflys?

@Matt_The_1st

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

@charliedelta7

Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.

@Carbosly

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

@Landon8426

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.