“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

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For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you


Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.


At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.


A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.


Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.


I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people


Horton hears a who
Horton hears a what
Horton hears a chicka chicka slim shady

Horton is listening to Eminem