“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
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Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks