Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
You Might Also Like
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Vodka burrito was a success
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
bout dat hot dog summer
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.