“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
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Fixed this for Shakespeare
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Matt Goss
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs