@caithuls
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
@pizza_dragon
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
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@caithuls
@ThugRaccoons
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
@OneThirstyNaut
Interviewer: Where did you receive your education?
Me: Yale
Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate?
Me: I yust got out in Yuly
@heychikabumbum
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
@punished_picnic
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
@TheHyyyype
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
@KrangTNelson
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
@TrulyValued
HIPPO: I’m really heavy
ZIPPO: I’m a little lighter
@timdonakowski
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
@ThugRaccoons
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him