lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
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I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
just leave it at the foot of the bed