I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
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[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Guys, I found it.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I am patiently waiting for your email
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
haha same
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.