Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
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A time gather around with your family, and realize why you only allow them in your house once a year.
I hate when I put my open beer down and forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open beers.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.
Said no one ever.
I’ve been waking up with a headache for years
Unfortunately I’m married to it.
4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.