@samalmightysam

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

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@Home_Halfway

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

@thatUPSdude

Thanksgiving,

A time gather around with your family, and realize why you only allow them in your house once a year.

@jergarl

I hate when I put my open beer down and forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open beers.

@matt___nelson

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

@blaha_Who

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

@Marcmywords2

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

@myboots111

I’ve been waking up with a headache for years

Unfortunately I’m married to it.

@FeralCrone

4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant.

@JensenClan88

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.