@samalmightysam

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

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@michaelianblack

Science question: can somebody please explain how tiny, tiny swimsuits make Olympians dive better?

@TheAdly

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

@UnFitz

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

@ch000ch

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

@mc_funbags

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

@roxiqt

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

@dlicj

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Adopt 25 cats and you’ll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though.

-me as a therapist