I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
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No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid