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@causticbob: I'm so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
@gorrdano: If you're going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.
@TheCatWhisprer: Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
@threetimedaddy: Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
@UnicornSyrup: Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he'll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
@ItsJayWhittaker: "You miss 100% of the shots you never take."
- Wayne Gretzky
"You miss 100% of the shots you DO take."