I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
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Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
He a real one for that
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.