I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

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“Hey! check out my new ink” *removes shirt, stands naked*

“Dude!, I don’t see anything”

“It’s invisible ink”


Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?


At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.


Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug


ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):


Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.


Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?


I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.