“Hey! check out my new ink” *removes shirt, stands naked*
“Dude!, I don’t see anything”
“It’s invisible ink”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
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Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.