I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
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I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Meeeee too!
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.