I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
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My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher