@Girl_Censored

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

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@A_Bit_Too_Rude

*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention*

*forgets where he left it*

@hippieswordfish

WANTED: ladder. must be in working condition. bring it by 5134 parker st, it’s the big yellow house with a guy on the roof

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

@splendidcynic

I don’t really pay much attention to politics so basically what I’m asking is, does anyone know if it’s still illegal to sell kids on eBay?

@UnFitz

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

@ZachXJ

Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, “Don’t tell my mom.”

@justabloodygame

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

@pmann555

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

@steveolivas

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?