I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
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*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
“you changed” bro i was 15
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?