I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

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*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention*

*forgets where he left it*


WANTED: ladder. must be in working condition. bring it by 5134 parker st, it’s the big yellow house with a guy on the roof


[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?


I don’t really pay much attention to politics so basically what I’m asking is, does anyone know if it’s still illegal to sell kids on eBay?


People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?


Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, “Don’t tell my mom.”


If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.


Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.


Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.


If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?