(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
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God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable