“I’m so self-conscious”
“I’m a very private person”
“I’m the shyest person I know”

*posts 43 selfies a week*

– girls on Instagram

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He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.


Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium


There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
I think not Xx


Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..


Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*


DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.


My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.


Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I’m not looking for anything serious right now.


Kudos to the cashier who astutely noted that “someone has a cat” while scanning the cat food I was purchasing.