He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
“I’m so self-conscious”
“I’m a very private person”
“I’m the shyest person I know”
*posts 43 selfies a week*
– girls on Instagram
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Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
I think not Xx
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
the only exercise this month ive done is running out of money
Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Kudos to the cashier who astutely noted that “someone has a cat” while scanning the cat food I was purchasing.