Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
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Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr
Friend: THEY’RE BASEBALL CARDS, JERK