I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

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Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.


Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five


[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]


Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.


People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?


I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.


Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”


*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook


Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!


Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr