I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
You Might Also Like
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is