@lovemydogduck

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

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@bingowings14

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

@_steamy_mac

Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five

@VeganZebra

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

@Darlainky

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

@LostFelicia

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

@FSUSteve

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

@dhumann

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

@Donna_McCoy

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

@TheSharona06

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr

Friend: THEY’RE BASEBALL CARDS, JERK