I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
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Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat