The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.