I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

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“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.


I don’t mean to sound like a hypochondriac but I was diagnosed with the flu today & I feel like it’s been coming on for a few years now.


Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.


Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.


Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.


I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?


Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards


If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.


FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence