@NickAmadeus

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

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@HomeWithPeanut

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

@derekblackmon

I don’t mean to sound like a hypochondriac but I was diagnosed with the flu today & I feel like it’s been coming on for a few years now.

@Angibangie

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

@UnFitz

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

@CatsVsHumanity

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

@PrisonCookies

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

@noog

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

@junejuly12

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

@ShortSleeveSuit

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence