I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
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Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?