‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
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Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?