“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
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The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
so, is there a mister shapen head
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Not today, today.
Not today.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
*lint rolls you awake*
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.