It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
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“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids