I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

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That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….


Chalant isn’t even a word. Well played nonchalant. Well played.


I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.


I’ve just been called weird by my son who won’t sleep without his giant 7 foot stuffed jalapeño right next to him


I don’t like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.


Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”


Before I got married I didn’t realize “What do you want to watch?” was a rhetorical question