i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
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STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.