“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
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Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
the only organized thing in my life is crime
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.