“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
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A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Discuss
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel