I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
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I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.