I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
You Might Also Like
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.