I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
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[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.