I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap

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Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff


If you don’t know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can’t be friends.


I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.


I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.


Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.


Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok


My kids take “stain resistant” as a deeply personal challenge


Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.



Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*