I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
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Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
If you don’t know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can’t be friends.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My kids take “stain resistant” as a deeply personal challenge
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.