I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
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Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Catering service
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho