@DevilryFun

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

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@scrappy_momma

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

@ddsmidt

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

@bridger_w

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

@TheBoydP

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

@HitsBelowBelt

You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?

Ya, that’s arrhythmia. You can die from that.

@ficklenuts

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

@TommyKarate

I’m no genius but I’m pretty sure Mexicans with anxiety have Hispanic attacks.

@envydatropic

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life