I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

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*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.


Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep


I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is


If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?


You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?

Ya, that’s arrhythmia. You can die from that.


My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better


I’m no genius but I’m pretty sure Mexicans with anxiety have Hispanic attacks.


And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet