I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
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Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
They got Raph!
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”