I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“No, after you.”
“If you insist.”
– Canadian Dirty Talk
It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
[interview after losing a fight]
“What happened out there?”
I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT
*interviewer doesnt look*
Ugh didnt work on u either
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”