@GreyDeLisle
@DebHawk12
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
You Might Also Like
@DebHawk12
@simoncholland
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
@lloydrang
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
@UncleDuke1969
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
@omgthatspunny
It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it
@RidiculousSheri
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
@david8hughes
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
@hipstermermaid
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
@sarcasm_inc
[interview after losing a fight]
“What happened out there?”
I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT
*interviewer doesnt look*
Ugh didnt work on u either
@stephenjmolloy
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”