@GreyDeLisle
@sambaintv
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
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@sambaintv
@thenoahkinsey
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
@ThaJawn
*buying a new phone* How many mega pickles does the camera have?
@Sassafrantz
[Ghost Hunters]
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up
@abbygov
Once I told a man he looked like Jeff Goldblum & he was like “who’s that?” So i pulled up a pic &he said “oh my what a compliment he’s very handsome.” Then as he was walking away, my friend walked up to me & was like “I’m pretty sure the guy you were talking to is Jeff Goldblum”
@crocodilethumbs
Churches: lmao corona isn’t real u idiots. u can’t even see it
Me: yeah but what abou-
Churches: that’s DIFFERENT
@difficultpatty
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
@paulrobalino
It’s like my dad always said: “Stop quoting me and come up with your own ideas.”
@HomeWithPeanut
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
@AbbyHasIssues
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 15 minutes over time.