“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

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How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.


When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”


*buying a new phone* How many mega pickles does the camera have?


[Ghost Hunters]
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up


Once I told a man he looked like Jeff Goldblum & he was like “who’s that?” So i pulled up a pic &he said “oh my what a compliment he’s very handsome.” Then as he was walking away, my friend walked up to me & was like “I’m pretty sure the guy you were talking to is Jeff Goldblum”


Churches: lmao corona isn’t real u idiots. u can’t even see it

Me: yeah but what abou-

Churches: that’s DIFFERENT


It’s like my dad always said: “Stop quoting me and come up with your own ideas.”


Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.


I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 15 minutes over time.