@GreyDeLisle

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

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@DebHawk12

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

@simoncholland

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@lloydrang

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

@UncleDuke1969

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

@omgthatspunny

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it

@RidiculousSheri

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

@david8hughes

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

@sarcasm_inc

[interview after losing a fight]
“What happened out there?”
I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT
*interviewer doesnt look*
Ugh didnt work on u either

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”