I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
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Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time